We’ve all been there, haven’t we? You bump into a work colleague in the communal kitchen and while the kettle’s boiling you exchange pleasantries, usually starting with ‘how are you?’ or ‘How’s things?’. But when that colleague says ‘I’m fine’ and then lapses into silence, what do you do? Is that what they mean? Are they trying to say something else? Will you seem too inquisitive if you ask them? What if they’re just not feeling chatty today? By this time the kettle has boiled, the colleague has made their cuppa and left.
What your colleague could be trying to tell you is that they’re feeling low – maybe depressed, anxious or overwhelmed – but don’t know how to start a conversation.
That’s why this year’s Time to Talk Day this year encourages us to ask twice.
Data from the campaign shows that one in four people has some form of a mental health issue and I suspect it’s going to grow as more and more people face challenges in their lives, whether that’s poverty, a poor home or work environment or unemployment. (There are a whole myriad of issues that could damage someone’s mental health; these are just a few examples.) Statistics from the Mental Health Foundation show that there were 6,507 deaths by suicide in 2018. In the last few months it’s seemed that London North Eastern Railway was tweeting about a person being hit by a train almost once a week. These may not all be suicides, but still utterly, utterly heart-breaking.
It’s all very well telling people who are suffering from a mental health issue to talk about it, but in order to encourage that, we need to create an environment where they feel able to do that.
The thing with asking twice is that you then need to be ready to undertake an incredibly important role – that of listener.
Sometimes that’s all a person in distress needs. Someone to talk to who will genuinely listen and allow them to verbalise the problem that is overwhelming them. Make sure they know that you’re there whenever they’re ready to talk. There’s an old adage that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I would say that at least you’ve shown the horse where the water is.
To go back to that work colleague: you’re now aware that something may be wrong. What’s your next step? They may feel unable to start the conversation, but you can make it easier for them by making it clear that you’re open to listening. For example, get them out of the work environment. Go out for a walk or a coffee on your lunch break. And ask again if they’re ok. You may find that in the open air or a new environment, they may feel better about opening up. Be ready though for the fact they might not yet be ready to open up, but if they are then you need to be prepared to listen.
Listening is a skill that has to be worked on. It requires a lot of practice to listen properly and actually hear what the other person is saying. You need to be able to perhaps pick up on the subtext – the meaning of the words, rather than just the words themselves. Like when the colleague said they were fine and you knew they weren’t. You also need to make sure that the person understands that you’re listening without judgement.
Here are a few things that I’ve found useful in listening properly and actively:
- Just listen – I’m the sort of person who likes to fix problems and it can be really, really hard to hear someone – perhaps a very close friend – talk about their suffering without trying to offer advice or a solution. Often, that person doesn’t want or need a solution (or there isn’t a short-term solution available), they just want to unload that problem and try to make sense of it. Allow them to talk round and round about it and don’t stop them.
- Allow them to talk without interruption – no matter how many times they talk about the same situation or describe it using the same words, do not stop them. It could be that they’re trying to rationalise the problem out loud because they can’t do it in their head.
- Make the time – if you’re going to ask someone to talk to you, make sure you’ve made the time for them to really open up. Don’t have one eye on the time, or the television on in the background. It’s too easy to get distracted so put your phone to one side, out of sight and hearing, and be in the room. It could be that they’ve been building up to talk to you about a problem and if you’re distracted it might stop them from coming forward.
- Arm yourself with some ideas for how to get the person to talk and how to support them once it’s out in the open. The Time to Talk Day website has some great advice whether it’s a friend, work colleague or family member who is asking for help.
There’s no doubt that starting to talk about a problem can seem insurmountable when you’re in it, when your head is spinning and you feel totally overwhelmed.
If you suspect that a friend, family member or work colleague is in this position, please ask twice and put yourself forward to listen. You could be the difference between life and death for them.
A couple of suggestions for sources of help: